So, i must say that this has gotten a little too melodramatic and angsty for my taste. I'd like anyone who reads this to defer to 

http://www.xanga.com/pressedfortime    for more melodrama, but in poetic form. Sometimes it does my feelings justice, other times i look like a damn fool.

or, http://stuffamie.livejournal.com     where i take my feelings out of it and report on the facts of my life. It makes for what i consider to be better writing.

Of course, when i'm feeling blue around midnight, this xanga will always be here....for teenage sadness that i have yet to grow out of, keep checking back regularly. It's always the same thing.

Where do i even begin following back over the chain of mistakes i've made in the last two and a half years? How do i pinpoint the first action that started the spiral? I mean the only thing i can do is try - and for the record, this is a chain of losing people and being angry and uncontrollably selfish.

I dated this guy who went left for college in Montana on and off for a year, and when he and i broke up i met this extremely attractive much-too-old-for-me man that i nearly jailbated into taking my virginity (nearly). When my best friend scared him away with threats of arrest, which i found out about after my 18th birthday, of course, i started dating this person who i actually did lose my virginity to, and he was deeply involved in our circle of friends.  He was associated with these people before i was, and he was the "nice guy", not overly attractive, but personable. I was that hot girl who played horn in that ska band. So, naturally, things began to go sour, as they can only do when one party is a raving-lunatic-indecisive-wishywashy-selfish-conceited-meanspirited-flirting princess. Yes, he tried to cater to my every emotional desire. Was it possible? No. The result was a very nasty 3 months following the honeymoon period during which time i yelled and screamed and took advantage of him, saying mean, mean, MEAN things. Things like telling him i didn't know if we could be together because i wasn't sure if he was smart enough, or well-read enough. I can't believe myself. Those things are COMPLETELY untrue, and i can only see them now because the loneliness and "karma" have kicked in. I hinted obviously at the fact that he should go to the gym, and i yelled at him when he didn't defend me from his brother's and best friend's poor treatment - which actually was warranted, they were awful to me because i made him "grow up". On the day we broke up he had taken me to a shop in OB and i'm fairly sure he lent me money. I had been feeling bad all day, and when we went to the park i went from telling him i loved him (for the first time) to breaking up with him 20 minutes later. I was confused and twisted. I should have remembered from the very beginning that there are people who make amazing best friends, and sometimes those people don't mix well with demanding girlfriends. He was fantastic to me and i shoved it in his face. I don't blame him for not speaking to me for 3 months, except that THEN we went to college.....together. Technically, i went to school with him, because he had been there first. My one big mistake: taking the easy way out. Avoiding going to the best liberal arts school in the country partially because i wanted to delay pain that HAD to catch up to me. And it did, and i'm still eating shit for it today, and i still cry and wonder why i make stupid decisions, and when i'll learn, and other things related to being flaky with myself.

And at college with a bunch of SURPRISINGLY cliquey, immature music majors, i was decidedly not invited into the ensemble family because 1) i'm too young to hang out at the bars with them and 2) because everyone is already friends with this lovely ex boyfriend of mine, and i'm a cold-hearted bitch.

What about my other friends? I'd love to dedicate this chain to JUST one person, but i really can't.

My best best friend, Sarah, kept in touch all year, and then this summer i disappeared. Too much sadness and loneliness, and rarely any contact made over a 3 month period. One would think that after four years of incessantly making sure she was okay, she'd check in to see if i was still breathing every couple of weeks, but she didnt. 

One incident with another good friend of mine, Kristy, left her thinking i was upset (i was) - she decides not to directly ask me about this, never texts, calls, emails, NOTHING - not a single word. We have been friends since we were 11. She has completely cut me out, and it's painful. At this point, i would rather be alone than fix things with her. She wants nothing i have to offer. So i will not offer it anymore.

All of my friends from our local music scene disappeared after the breakup mentioned in my exceedingly long paragraph. Hot guy who was too old for me is now dating a girl one year younger than me...hint: i'm 19. The rare acquaintances from college that i did have faded out during these few hot months. And i'm left with....myself.

Unhappy with myself, dreading next year at a new university, incapable of controlling anger, sadness, or spending habits?? Unhappy with abilities regarding my future career, my living situation, my current relationship....

and i'm pretty sure the answer to my question is: the chain started with my ego, and ends with my humility. Now the question is: how do i cope with this reality?

maybe some of this is repeat, but i need cleansing.

All of the melancholy is building up. The friends i'm losing, the ones that were never there in the first place, the ones who deserted me this summer, my strained relationship with my parents, my indecisiveness about how to juggle my time between boyfriend and everyone else. Lately, every night has been "that night" when you just want to, as i heard in a newscast earlier today, "gracefully never wake up in the morning". My face is broken out, something i thought would quit after puberty, my metabolism is slowing down, all of the bananas in the world don't have enough serotonin to pep me up and prepare me for the tests i'm going to have to take the week before classes start and the audition i'm never going to be ready to play.

My mother insists i start birth control, but i don't think i can handle switching up my routine with something i'm completely unfamiliar with - something that has side effects that could possibly fuck with my head, when i can barely handle myself on a normal day.

Roommate one doesn't seem to want anything to do with me, no meet up or anything, but roommate two seems okay via facebook messaging. Although i guess it's hard to say if i'll get along with either.

Even the cats are acting up. Everything is so strangely terrible right now. I just bought 850 dollars worth of merchandise for school and life, and its all exploding in my face. I can't really function. Sitting in front of the computer and the television and reading small print for months has sent my eyes to hell and back, so i've had to maximize the fonts on the computer AND wear my reading glasses at the same time.

My energy is gone, my half-assedness is sneaking up on me, and the battery in my brain is down to 10%.

I need to fall asleep for a year or two and wake myself up when my career is sort of going someplace and i have a shred of self confidence to make something of my life. Currently, my life is on autopilot and i'm sure i don't like it one bit.

Well, back to the rabbit hole.

I feel as though it's about time to clear my head by writing another blog. 

School starts in one month and six days. I'll be at a brand new university. Private, 5,000 students (many of whom are very wealthy), and a triple room with two other girls i don't know. I am so terrified I can hardly explain. Where would i even begin?  After last year's godawful experience i don't think i could handle two more bad roommates. I had been clear, direct, compassionate, and willing to compromise with each of my roommates last year, but none of them was capable of acting like a young adult or considering anyone else's feelings. My classes were bad, my department was bad, my instructors were bad.

And now, at this new school - a conservatory, really - i'm thrown into ensembles five hours per day, taking 10 classes for 12.5 units, with little time to myself. I'm faced with freshman dilemmas such as "should i rush?" "where do i do my laundry?" "how can i balance all of this with everything else i have to do?" and i couldn't begin to answer them, because i was so unprepared after last year. I'll be stuck in college for another four years, and at $36,000 per year i'm not sure i can make it. What if the scholarship runs out? What if i'm not good enough at horn to keep my major? What if???? I'm scared. 

I'm not sure how positive i can be around everyone. I tend to swing to the more realistic side of life, which is often more negative, cynical, and sort of aggressive. When i look at myself in the mirror i see an intense young woman with a lot of pent up frustration and opinions that she doesn't quite know how to share kindly. I see someone who is conflicted and unsure of her step. I see a girl who just wants to be liked, and a bitch who doesn't give a damn just so long as her career is on the right path. I see myself torn between independence and juggling her own life with her long term boyfriend's. Where are my priorities? Where is my head? Am i capable of earning respectable grades? 

And then it's back to square one, and i mean allll the way back. Back to grade school. What if i'm weird? What if listening to classical music, spending a few hours in the practice room, and eating Moroccan food instead of getting wasted on Fridays isn't acceptable at school? What if i dress funny? What if the Greek students shun me for not being one of them? These are STUPID questions. But after growing up with these dilemmas so present in my life, it's hard to turn them off.

After attending a 34,000 student school last year i realized that no one really gives a damn what you're wearing or if you're sitting alone. BUT, in a new situation, at a small school, i don't know how to handle myself, or anyone else. I don't know how to be genuine because i feel guarded and insecure. 

My priorities are all out of whack, and social interaction is by far the thing bothering me the most, which is not a good sign...or maybe it is, i don't know. I just know that eventually i'm going to be dead and i don't want to have spent my whole life alone, without good friends to confide in and spend time with. For some reason i value that very highly. My mother tells me that there are periods in each person's life when they are alone, but there are also periods during which a person is surrounded by people who love and care about them.

But i've been giving and giving for almost 20 years and as of yet i haven't gotten anything back. The best i can do is keep waiting for someone to show up.

I went to the Zoo today. Of course i had been walking around the house in sandals just to protect my feet from all the dirt on the floor, and i forgot to change them before we left, so i walked around in the hot sun for about 6 hours with zero arch support...i may be whiny, but you'd be whiny too if your feet hurt like mine!

Bill and i got in another fight today, completely my fault. No need to explain the reasons, just that i snapped at him because i was mad about something else, and he took it personally, so i got mad at him, and then he got mad at me for getting mad at him...stupid things. Unnecessary drama. Just when i think i'm on my way to communicating effectively and not screwing up a pretty good day, i let myself slip.

I'm really wondering if there's a medical condition at the root of this - some kind of chemical imbalance? I've been prone to adjustment-like depression, as in major events in life that are hard to deal with or work out, and this last year (my first year of college) was nasty, so i've been lashing out at people for about 9 or 10 months now. My dad is on medication for some sort of imbalance that doesn't allow him to stop getting angry. I think it's like some gland that doesn't stop producing a certain hormone, i don't know. Nobody will tell me anything in this family because nobody wants me to worry.

On the other hand, i might just be a fiery bitch. Which is also very likely.

If anyone is looking for music they may not have heard, i've been listening to Sohodolls and Metric a lot lately, and Metric makes really great running music. "Can you feel my heart beating like a hammer"...obviously written about the relationship between myself and my treadmill.

ALSO, i've just started reading "When You Are Engulfed In Flames" by David Sedaris, i'm sure a lot of people have heard of it. I'm wondering if it gets much better after the first couple of stories, and also if he has written any other books worth reading repeatedly. I know "Dress Your Family in Corduroy" (or something like that?) has been popular with other artsy hipster-like people in my area. Thanks!